“Be ye perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48)

Hmmm…
What do you think of when you read these very familiar words of Christ? Do they create a feeling of hopelessness because you aren’t perfect and you just can’t imagine that you ever will be?

I’ll bet you try to be, don’t you? You get up every morning, resolving with everything that is in you that this will be the day that you do it. You will:

• Manage to speak kindly to every member of your family no matter what. (Yes, you will – even if your teenager chooses to hide the remote from his siblings which always results in a fray developing in your basement that resembles the beginnings of World War III….)
• Get that pile of laundry that is beginning to look like Mount Whitney done.
• Feed your family delicious and nutritious meals. (No, that doesn’t mean that you will throw the wrapper from the instant frozen casserole away and try to pass it off as “homemade.”)
• Wear matching shoes to work.

And then (sigh…) you stagger into your bedroom at night and collapse in a heap. You didn’t make it, did you?

You ate the chocolate candy bar about 3:00 p.m. after your boss told you that he was giving you “just one more assignment.” You snapped at your husband because he forgot to take the garbage cans to the curb and it’s beginning to smell by the side of your house (what will the neighbors think…), and you yelled at your daughter when she spilled the milk all over your new carpet.

What will you ever do?

If you are trying to attain the level of perfectionism in which you never make a mistake, you are are going to be disappointed. You might as well realize right now that you are a human being and, as such, you are inclined to make mistakes.

May I ask you a question? Does the idea that you can’t be perfect make your heart skip a beat? Does it feel painful to think that you can’t be perfect?

If so, you aren’t alone. Many people feel this way and you know what happens to them?

That’s right. They become depressed.

An article written by Dr. Sidney J Blatt (“The Destructiveness of Perfectionism: Implications for the Treatment of Depression,” American Psychological
Association’s [APA] American Psychologist, Vol. 49. No. 12) suggests that there are three kinds of perfectionism:

• Being so hard on yourself and expecting such unrealistic things of yourself that you doom yourself to feel like a failure.
• Believing that other people are expecting such unrealistic things of you that you can never win anyone’s approval.
• Demanding that other people meet unrealistic standards of perfectionism in order for you to accept them.

It is important to know about these types of perfectionism because Dr. Blatt points out that your level of perfectionism can have an impact on any therapy you receive for depression. He points out that a perfectionist usually requires longer periods of therapy to resolve their depressive feelings.

Where do these unrealistic feelings of perfectionism come from?

Perfection is based on the most common desire of all people – to be accepted. Unfortunately for a perfectionist, their feelings about being accepted become exaggerated to the point that instead of being the lit match that leads one to personal growth, they become a bonfire that consumes every aspect of the perfectionist’s life. The perfectionist becomes so afraid of failing, so afraid of making mistakes, so afraid of disapproval that they literally become paralyzed. They begin to exhibit what is known as “all or nothing” thinking, which means that if they accidentally go to church with a run in their nylons, they have failed so terribly that they might have well stayed in bed that morning.

In “Today’s Woman: All Things to All People?” (LDS Women’s Treasury: Insights and Inspiration for Today’s Woman [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1997], 134.), Joann Larsen tell us, “The ultimate perfectionist pays a price for her perfectionism in that she fights for her self-esteem every minute of her life because every detail undone accuses her of not doing her job. In that sense, the price she pays is that she is not free; her life is controlled by her list of unaccomplished things. In addition, the perfectionist’s drive to achieve imposes high costs to her physical and emotional well-being and may even eventually erode her energy and ability to cope, plunging her into burnout or depression.”

So then – if perfectionism is a problem – what did Christ mean by being “perfect even as Father in Heaven” is?

In the Miracle of Forgiveness (209), Spencer W. Kimball told us that “being perfect means to triumph over sin.” We do this through by accessing the Perfectionism of the Atonement of Christ, receiving forgiveness for our sins, and thus we become perfect through Him.

Just consider this for a moment. If it were possible to achieve perfection on our own, would we need Christ? If we were able to come down to earth, beat ourselves about a bit, and get ourselves under control simply by willing it, we wouldn’t need anyone to be our Savior.

Think about that term: Savior. It implies that we needed to be saved and that someone saved us. That someone was Christ and the fact that He did atone for our sins and that we can be forgiven of them – despite our imperfections – brings us to our knees in gratitude, once we become aware of the magnitude of the gift He offers.

Now we just have to believe that He means us when He speaks of forgiveness, because, for the perfectionist, there is always some little piece of us somewhere that wants to believe that we are beyond even the help that Christ offers. We think that, somehow, we have achieved a level of being so imperfect that we can’t be redeemed. “I’m too hopeless,” we think quietly to ourselves, afraid that if anyone knew the real truth about us, we would be totally and completely rejected. But Christ atoned for everyone’s sins. Even mine. Even yours.

How can we deal with perfectionism?

Here are some things that you can try:

• Relax your standards. You don’t have to do everything well. Decide what is the most important to you and do that thing well. Reconsider your position. Maybe average really isn’t that bad.
• Set small goals that can be achieved. Reward yourself if you achieve one of these goals.
• Focus on the journey, not the outcome. Enjoy the ride.
• When you start feeling depressed, use the moment to ask yourself if you have set up yourself to fail. Have you been unrealistic in your expectations?
• When you recognize that you won’t be able to achieve what you are shooting for, ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” Make yourself face your fears.
• Learn to tell the difference between sin and failure to reach your goals. There is a difference. Do you know what it is?
• When you are shooting for the moon and you reach the stars, look around you and see how wonderful it is that you got to experience the stars. Maybe the stars were the best destination for you anyway.

Find how how I beat depression!

Photo by ewitch